It’s not anything different from buying dinner for friends—”, “Except it’s not just the groceries,” Jiang Cheng interrupts, quietly livid, “is it.”. I could give you a call or send a photo doing something you requested, with the clock next to me so you know it was just taken. “Thanks, but it’s not like—I can’t not say it, ‘cause it’s the truth. Mid-January. “You can’t, it’s my birthday and that’s illegal, and I’m older than you, and I’m taller than you so you couldn’t kill me even if you wore stilts,” Wei Wuxian says in one breath, before turning back to Wen Ning and placing his phone in Wen Ning’s absurdly cold hands. “Sixty,” she says finally. Recalling the incident in his second Chinese New Year with the Jiangs, he concedes the point. Wei Wuxian blinks, then drags his gaze to his bag. Wei Wuxian has never been prouder. He knows, he wants to say to them. When he flips over his phone, he notices first that it’s running on fumes. “I mean it. The whole poking at open wounds for shits and giggles definitely fits the bill. “Fuck,” he mutters. I am texting you while getting my makeup done. They’re all looking up in a little cluster. Must’ve been the twin Jiangs with the rice wine. “How humiliating it was to open that letter and see those statements. This is worse than Wen Ning’s betrayal a few minutes ago. He’s going to have to talk to someone about that—but not yet. Wei Wuxian should not be such a clingy son of a bitch with bigger attachment issues than an octopus hooked up to a vacuum cleaner set to turbo max. Wei Wuxian blinks at them; they blink owlishly back. His eyes crinkled a little. That’s. Oh. He looks so guilty, wringing his hands and the sleeves of his hoodie that for a moment Wei Wuxian almost feels bad, and then he remembers that Wen Ning brought Jose Cuervo and ditches any concept of responsibility and companionship. On any other year before this one January 23rd would not be a big deal, but he has since discovered that January 23rd is Lan Zhan’s birthday. anyways i am texting u while trying to find clothes for family dinner while watching reruns of gossip girl bc its trashy but, and i am personally of the opinion that we shd not deprive ourselves of the things we want in life. Peel the clementines. You said I know about the orphanage, the dogs, but you know about my dad’s house. There’s no way. Wei Wuxian turns to Shijie, desperate. “A-Cheng,” Wei Wuxian gasps. He’s pretty certain he could toss Mo Xuanyu single-handed (and that’s saying a lot—Wei Wuxian has been beaten up by stern breezes) but as an RA it’s morally reprehensible to do such things. She was beautiful and so full of life in every picture he saw of her and the conversations they had were endless but is Tyler everything Jamie wants in a girl? Karma. “Um, yes? Generally, Wei Wuxian will tag along with either Wen on a visit, since they do so frequently. It only took him two years to do it,” and other unbelievably high standards that Wei Wuxian will never reach, etc, etc, Shijie coaxing Jiang Cheng to get rid of his scowl just by smiling at him, Madam Yu asking about his graduation date, followed by a reminder that they won’t attend, Wei Wuxian meeting Madam Yu’s glare for longer than two seconds, Shijie talking about her peacock husband; not because it’s a rare event, just because Wei Wuxian needs the alcohol, A collective yell of rage at the TV for whatever bullshittery happens in the newest C-drama, upgraded to four shots if the twist involves amnesia, car accidents, cancer, twins, adultery, time travel, evil emperors, or ghosts, upgraded to six shots if all of the above, Madam Yu engaging with Wei Wuxian willingly without a single negative word. “I am going to kill you,” Jiang Cheng says. “I may be walking to my doom,” Wei Wuxian murmurs as he turns to the freshmen, gingerly holding a little round hedgehog cactus sitting in a clay pot. It still doesn’t stop him from wanting to gag after and gesture urgently for a lemon or salt or juice, or shit, he’d take human blood at this point. hhahaha l ekki i ha ve the meony for that. Cool. Freshmen. An uncharacteristic pause. As a Wei, his name isn’t called for a good long while. His finger goes horizontal to the left, up for about two seconds, jerks to the right, down, diagonal, bobs twice in the air to the right before settling back down again, maybe two inches from his original starting position. But. “I have continued to offer you money back for all the help, and you never took it, and you know what? Do not text during meals. Never think twice before doing something. Just as angry? He just needs to get past all the goddamn dick pics. Wei Wuxian stares at him. He hesitates, then continues, “I will peel the lotus roots even if Wei Ying is bad at cooking, and any clementines because he doesn’t enjoy the scent of citrus on his hands. They are now. I’m not giving everything I have to the Wens, and—and the eating, I’m busy, alright? I don’t know what your family dinners are like but we eat in silence, if that answers your question. Smiling, Wei Wuxian presses another lingering kiss to Lan Wangji’s mouth before he pulls away just enough to peek at Jiang Cheng’s half-terrified, half-disgusted face. That is so cute. I think the way to my heart is memes. and that if he could go back to 13 y/o lwj then he would tell him that one day he wouldn’t feel so alone? After the last graduate has returned to her seat, the dean grips the edge of the podium, waits a long moment, and then grins. and since all three members of the lan clan (shown) are all single that means no incoming baby. In this case, there’s nothing he can fight except other people or himself, and he’s had enough of fighting for years. Nie Huaisang makes a circle on his head and frowns severely, which is such a strange expression on Nie Huaisang’s face that Wei Wuxian takes a moment to marvel, dig out his phone, and snap a picture. “Do you see.”, “Okay,” says Wei Wuxian. Not a song. Do what you want. Lan Zhan’s gentle voice doesn’t help matters either, and that, combined with the discovery of his name, is what makes Wei Wuxian finally say, “Alright. Because he barely has any idea what he’s doing with his life while Lan Wangji is living his best one. oct 31. a curious instagram post of a birthday cake and a caption that just said “Thank you.” HUHhHHHHHhhhHHhhHh?????? All things in moderation.”. If this is really what you want, then do it all at once <(︶︹︺)>, Don’t let yourself stop halfway and put it off, You can do this!! After a short moment, Lan Zhan asks, “What did she say?”. he said his friend had a clear conscience (无愧, pronounced wu kui), like he has no regrets about the way he’s living his life and the choices he’s making…... this is high praise coming from lan wangji you know unicef ambassador advocate for equal rights donates regularly to literally every charity on this planet, also i legit had to ask my mom what 钦羡 (qin xian) meant because it’s rarely used but??…. I can send you rabbit pictures as well. He manages to maneuver his way out of remembering names by calling everyone his favorite uncle or aunt or grandma or grandpa, or great-uncle or great-aunt, and so on and so forth. It’s more like a dignified yelp. I heard you get a swanky cubicle to yourself and everyth—”, “Don’t try to distract me. “Don’t you.”. I recently just had an experience that was eye-opening. i know ur probs sleeping but i wanted to be the first to wish u a happy birthday. Do what you want. A part of Wei Wuxian is marveling at his ability to monologue by himself. When Y/N is spotted with bruises, everyone makes assumptions that couldn't be farther from the truth. “Go die already!” he shouts, completely at odds with the vibrant embarrassed red of his face. And Cathy, bless her, leans back in her cubicle to brag about Wei Wuxian to her coworkers like a proud grandmother. Watching you is like watching someone give out free samples of themselves.”, The thought makes him laugh. Suddenly he can’t shove it down any longer. He has no idea. You were right as always, Shijie.”, “No more breaking my heart, then. The typing bubble is going to give Wei Wuxian a stroke. As in no two bites are the same kind of different. It was awful and you didn’t deserve it. “Mr. And I need to text him something, but my fingers aren’t working.” He takes his hands off Wen Ning’s cheeks and wiggles them to demonstrate, and they do this odd squiggle in the air, like it’s a sentient snake. end of oct, said he didn’t have any plans on halloween and then? Peach vodka. Wei Wuxian’s got it, alright, he has this in the fucking bag. In any way. There’s one last step he has to fulfill before figuring out his own graduation thing, and it might be the most difficult. Shijie couldn’t because of a sudden business trip, but Jiang Cheng has never liked the Wens and showing up, here, with an unspoken promise not to engage in any arguments about them—. It’s harder not to text him, if anything. One strategic question and Granny Wen forgets whatever it was she was going to say in favour of praising the New Year’s themed finger painting he brought home last week. what are you doing right now, you’re always so focused on one task huh how dedicated, mr lan i know you said you don’t drink but you should do something exciting, i finished the worst concoction game and now everyone owes me a birthday wish, then you would owe me a birthday wish too, i like to think that you wouldn’t betray me like wen ning he did me sooooo dirty, wen ning gave me jose cuervo tequila mr lan it was the worst, strawberries and whatever spawned nicholas cage, (he said to add a lot of exclamation points, i’m sorry if it got lost in translation), see we only do the worst concoction game on the 21st birthdays, last year my friend (the dementia theory one (that’s my sister, wen qing)) drank yogurt and tobasco sauce mixed with plain vodka before she called it quits, if you call it quits you have to pay for everyone’s drinks/dinner for the next two months, but if you win then you get a wish granted from everyone participating, and jiang cheng told me a few days ago i have no money so i had to win you know, because that means i’ve officially crossed the last stage of adulthood but, also happy because it means that i don’t have to use a fake id anymore, my fake id said i was from michigan and that i was 22, i can’t remember where i’m from but i’ve narrowed it down to either northern china or florida, but i hope it’s northern china and not florida because florida is the worst and it scares me, anyways i’m also having an existential crisis about turning old because it’s the last adult threshold that’s fun for non-adult reasons, is very exciting if you’re into renting cars without paying extra insurance fees. He’s. the emperors new groove!! And between his dips into literally every subject in the university and the entry-level courses that these freshmen will be taking, it’ll be a breeze for them. I had a whole thing ready.”, “How,” he says, voice hoarse before he clears it. So he tabs away. He just doesn’t know the name. It’s mostly Wei Wuxian, granted, but it’s also. Web.). “Fine. He collapses on a bench next to Granny Wen, who came to join them sometime before Wei Wuxian gained three new elementary school archnemeses. The amount of self-restraint that Wei Wuxian uses in stopping himself from gushing—like, actual gushing, like whole unfiltered minutes of it—is insane. You know, if it makes you feel any better, one time Jiang Cheng tried to drown me in the shower because I said that he couldn’t do math.”. It’s cool. You’ve probably been doing it since they left their dad’s house anyway. Wei Wuxian’s dated a handful in his life and kissed even fewer. “How did you mean to say it, then?”. Please enjoy this crack fic . Wei Wuxian isn’t above cheating and their little family dinners are harrowing enough as it is without throwing that bomb into their midst. Wei Wuxian’s got it, alright, he has this in the fucking bag. Well. No, it definitely is. His eyes sting and he has to swallow several times to clear the lump in his throat. Us. I’m not twelve. Which is for the best, really, since Jiang Cheng finds him halfway out the Wens’ room. Instead he keeps standing, dizzy with the fact that everything has gone back to normal, to better than normal. “I’m not twenty-one,” Nie Huaisang points out. It's that it never worked in the first place. I’d love to see how you react to any of Jiang Cheng’s concoctions, he’s just evil.”, “Um, yeah,” Wei Wuxian says, before belatedly remembering that Lan Zhan doesn’t drink. Tuition is coming for his ass, and graduation is looming no matter how many courses he takes to put it off. Because of rabbits.”, “Yeah. Did you name him Dick or something, short for Lizard? The wind blows impatiently. The kindergarten class is just letting out for the day when they arrive. That’s not important. The Hot Cheetos have long since vanished. Enter Nev Schulman and Max Joseph, the faces of the popular TV show, catfish. And it’s not like Jiang Cheng gets it. Shame on you, especially after Lan Wangji found happiness. Jiang Cheng thinks it’s horse. Im Ready. He’d thought that after all these months, Lan Zhan would at least be willing to tell him the truth—that he was scared of Wei Wuxian breaking off all contact after lying; that he’d gotten too deep in the act and couldn’t figure out a way to go back; that he was sorry and the truth of his identity was just that of someone who loved Wei Wuxian. “Says you, Shijie?”, She digs her knuckles gently into his head. It is like battery acid is slithering down his throat and burning a new esophagus, but it’s Tito’s so it tastes like high-quality battery acid. Share to iMessage. Famous for his private, introverted lifestyle, Lan Wangji made waves when he willingly gave out information about his friend in an interview with People’s Magazine…, 74 Questions With Lan Wangji Is Twelve Minutes Of Unfiltered Gushing About His Friend. where he said his inspiration was his friend? Y’ALL BITCHES SEEIN THIS???????? He has thirty minutes before he has to head out for family dinner that he actually managed to clear his schedule for, which gives him just enough time to send a few questions and change into something more appropriate so that Madam Yu won’t flay him alive. “Wait, that was real. You’re just wired to fuck yourself over. then the vogue interview in dec. “So… text your catfish? That, coupled with the fact Wei Wuxian might actually really love helping, points him in one clear direction. But that’s fine. “Then let’s do it,” Wei Wuxian blurts. Like he’s so nice? “And… hopefully safely. It’s Tinder, so it’s not likely that they’ll try to post his picture on another fucking dating app, but still. “You aren’t ugly,” Jiang Cheng starts, forcing the words out in one pained exhale, like he’s been stabbed. He doesn’t cough. He looks happy and mischievous, grinning beyond the camera lens, like the best, clean, well-rested, and well-fed version of himself. The knot in his stomach feels a little bit looser. “Fuck, I hate you guys so much, holy fuck, this sucks.”. “Well,” Wei Wuxian says, “rule number one, you should listen to only half of the things I say.”. The war ends and Hermione is thrust back into the modern world with smartphones, internet romance and Catfish. He’s pretty sure? He doesn’t look like a rat! Wei Wuxian would know. Wei Wuxian’s eyes bulge. He stares at the screen for a long moment before the words process. Light floods his cave. Then, quieter, to Wen Ning: “Text that.”, was it the apostrophes that did it wen ning types like such a proper young man, (i’m estimating the amount of o’s that went into that, i’m sorry if that’s not accurate), (also hi i’m wen ning nice to meet you i’m sorry wei wuxian is very drunk right now), (yes he doesn’t want you to be left out of the conversation), it’s because mr lan is so nice to me so i have to be nice back, anyways you never answered my question! It’s the same image. His expression is utterly unreadable. Why is he here?”, “Well,” Wei Wuxian says again, and gestures. “—about you?” Lan Zhan’s voice breaks into his thoughts. “Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian says, helpless. ok so far 90% of our convos have been abt our pets and thats not ok so. And everything. Rabbits aren’t his favorite animal—not with the ever-so-beautiful Xuanwu floating in his little tank, of course—but rabbits? Someone who makes him happy, huh. Tinder guy. They are all babies. It buzzes. Then the unnatural quiet sinks in, and he looks up to find Jiang Cheng with his face in his entire palm, Shijie staring at him with something like simultaneous delight and worry in her gaze, and Uncle Jiang’s chopsticks dangling halfway between his bowl and his mouth. He can hear Nie Huaisang tip toeing around his room, audibly tsk ing under his breath. Okay, what would make you believe that you were texting Lan Wangji? He has to give money, in other words, and this year might not even receive anything back. You told me nothing, Wei Wuxian! “I just think I should have options. You give me hell for alleged babying but covering Wen Ning’s ears isn’t any better, he’s a grown man —”. He recognizes a lost battle when he sees it and vows to find out the name of the rabbit another day, before changing the subject. I might have. She’s a lot like his catfish in that sense, constantly giving her time and devotion without expecting anything in return, even though he is the last person to deserve it. A beat. Maybe it’s the fallout after the Wens and Jiang Cheng. why the fuck would you ever keep talking to someone like me. The other four are made up of three international freshmen from a different floor and a shady PhD student in environmental engineering that Wei Wuxian first met scaling the outside of the library and then never again. Woo!”. Wei Wuxian stares until Xue Yang lunges and shoves at his shoulder. Ahhh! Heartthrob, action star, nuanced drama lead, you name it, this man has done it in six movies or less. Such bad manners. i probably missed a few things but you get the point and if this doesn’t convince you then you have no eyes and no jury on earth would side with you. Creeps lie all the time. “Like what?”, She sighs at him, looking so much like an affectionate auntie sighing endearingly at his hair and small face and bad decisions that for a moment Wei Wuxian almost forgets that she’s white. Speaking to Lan Zhan also makes Wei Wuxian aware of how bad his impulse control is in real life. He’s shit at taking care of himself and yeah, he barely eats two meals a day because he has a shit memory, but—so are all college students. It’s not his catfish. “Thank you,” says Lan Zhan, and it sounds like he doesn’t know how he should feel about it. Shijie gives him a pack of ludicrously neon hair pins, a Hydroflask, and a whole pot of pork rib and lotus root soup that she apparently already has stored away in the trunk of Jiang Cheng’s stupidly expensive car. I think that you knew what you wanted all along, even if you didn’t think you did.”, “Oh.” Something very warm and very pleasant fizzles in Wei Wuxian’s stomach. Not to mention the message’s contents. You know that, right? It’s definitely not Lan Wangji, but maybe. How old is he? “You have a Mercedes Benz,” Wei Wuxian says. He has to study for both the night of. and that his friend makes him smile the most? “Right.”. A buzz in Wei Wuxian’s pocket. The owl on top of the old library. She still gave him a family. No algae or particles of dead shrimp floating around, just Xuanwu staring into the camera with clear and bright eyes. So seductive. They aren’t your goddamn responsibility, especially when you can’t take care of yourself, let alone other people.”. That’s so goddamn cute. Then it registers like a kick to the throat. About?”, “I’ll relay it to you. Right? Well. So he inhales, clears his head a little with the fresh air. Wen Qing’s candidate involves a generous dose of mayonnaise, a pinch of wasabi, and Sambuca, and he doesn’t even want to know where she got the Sambuca from. What?”, “What about you,” Lan Zhan repeats dutifully. For many of the students, the realization this is the end of something is just dawning on them. There’s no way this is real. “You were stabbed in the ribs and you were stuck in the hospital for two months because it nearly punctured your heart.”, Wei Wuxian shouldn’t find Lan Wangji’s worry so endearing, but he can’t not find it adorable when his boyfriend-slash-fiancé is fretting over something that happened almost two years ago. “Will you?” Wei Wuxian asks, almost a whisper. Share to Tumblr. And my husband is a good man.”, “Since when were you so diplomatic? This time Wei Wuxian, notorious free spirit and closeted serial snuggler, is going to find someone fun and they’re going to connect and he’ll get to rub it in his extended family and friend group’s collective face. Not that Wei Wuxian has any personal experience with that or anything. We also have wide variety of recipes to try. Cool cool cool. Wen Qing was right. Can I not ask questions about the people I care about and expect an answer?”, Wei Wuxian screws up his face. I’ll go easy on you and you can have all the birthday wishes you want from me. today my freshmen had the audacity to kncok ont ym droro adn demadn tereawass. Wei Wuxian watches A-Yuan fling himself off the monkey bars into Wen Ning’s waiting arms, shrieking all the while. The first bite did hurt, but I thought I should continue if only so he wouldn’t yell at me for failing to appreciate it properly later on.”. You’re too dysfunctional to be a baby. Right, he thinks, a few minutes later. He loves it. He’s too drunk to figure out whose it is. They are entirely separate matters altogether. Or trying to try. Her eyes are gleaming. Lan Zhan!”, Another huff of static against his ear, this time definitely amused. Art and Archeology in Pompeii is in three hours. He’d rather eat a table than choke down another dry dorm hall meal. Jiang Cheng looks at him like he’s exhausted, just as tired as Wei Wuxian of having the same conversation over and over again. “Because I was put on this planet just to annoy you,” says Wei Wuxian, beaming. Instead of betraying me like this?”, “I-I thought it would be fine,” Wen Ning stammers, searching the shocked gazes of the table. “Ah, that’s nice, Lan Zhan. I’m still fucking watching while you bring them groceries every other weekend and you—you barely remembering to eat two meals a day, with your shit schedule because you don’t know what you’re doing, you never have, and you just go on like it’s fine, and you don’t—” He cuts off, raking a hand through his hair. The first message he gets is from a girl, which is surprising on its own. . Wei Wuxian stifles a laugh. “I’ve never seen his face like that. Admit it are all single that means no incoming baby in… arrangements anyone! To flush red one ’ s approachable friend hm????????... 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